Movie Review: 2012

The End is Near

Author: Timmie

(Originally posted on The Media Minx )

What is the one thing that you can’t get enough in the film industry???
If you said disaster movies you’re absolutely correct!!! Hurray for you. Give yourself a nice pat on the back for being a complete tard.

People love disaster movies, and they made a comeback in a big way with the total turd of a movie, 2012, which was released a few months ago. This way too long whirlwind of a movie stars John Cusack, Amanda Peet, the guy from Love Actually/Serenity, and that guy who looks like Greg Kinnear. The surprises never stop coming either with special appearances by a clearly insane Woody Harrelson, and a washed up and depressing Danny Glover. Actually, based on his performance I’m pretty sure Glover has dementia now…either that or he is like the most amazing method actor I’ve ever seen.

So apparently the Earth’s core is heating extremely rapidly. I guess it’s supposed to be in a constant blow-popish state, but it’s become more like a chocolate truffle sitting out on a counter in the heat for too long. One bite and that thing is going to blow. Some Indian scientists tell the guy from Serenity the truffle situation and rushes to a white house function to tell the president.

Flash forward a little in time to meet John Cusack who is painted as the artist who lost it all: wife, book deal, kids (listed in order of importance), and is working as a limo driver. He’s pathetic, but not so much that you think he can’t win. After all, the guy from Serenity bought his book.

Most of the plot is too boring to go through step by step so I’m just going to ramble it off:

The government thought they had more time before the Mayan calendar expires.

They don’t

John Cusack meets Woody Harrelson, who wants everyone to download his blog?? He’s trying to spread the gospel about a big government conspiracy and the world ending. They’re building space ships (which turn out to be boats).

Cusack throws his family together, including Greg Kinnear guy, who btw only knows how to fly a single engine plane and is boning Cusack’s wife. They somehow get a plane and manage to escape with it all the way to China. There are some other steps in between these happenings…but come one, does it really matter?

Glover plays the martyr in DC as the rest of the big wigs, including the guy from Serenity, escape to China. Glover and pretty much everyone else in the world die! But let’s get back to where the action is.

The top cabinet guy or something…it’s never really clear, is now taking charge of pretty much the world. Of course he’s painted as evilish.

Cusack and the gang make it to the boats in China. Again it’s not important how. Greg Kinnear guy get crushed to death because how else would Cusack and his family be reunited in the end?

Serenity and Cusack manage to save the day and the arcs float off into the ocean together.

Cusack and family are reunited, and his daughter (who previously had a urination problem) is cured.

They try to end the movie on a positive note, but wtf people??? Basically the entire world just died. Oh you’re going to sail to Africa to start over huh? Well F*%$ you dude! The rest of us are probably dead! Glover is done in for sure. How can you just casually be like “oh let’s start over?”

This a freaking disaster movie people. It is not appropriate to end the movie with a joke about wetting the bed. I didn’t realize we were watching Home Alone 12 “Where’s Your Home Now?” That pesky Fuller’s at it again.

The casting/acting is crap. The plot is unnecessarily convoluted in all the wrong places. I’m pretty sure they were trying to make a serious movie, but it’s just laughable. From effects to storyline this movie is super bad. I will say though: if they were going for epic…success. 2012 is epic. Epically terrible!

While there are a few humorous scenes (unintentionally so), 2012 is way too long to be tolerable. I suggest a directors cut of only the scenes of Greg Kinnear guy flying in between buildings sideways, Woody Harrelson being killed by lava, and the giraffes being helicoptered through China.

The Minx’s prognosis: If I were managing the end of the world arc building/world saving project…anyone that legitimately liked the movie 2012 would NOT be saved.

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