Movie Review: The Twilight Experience

The Twilight Experience: Part I

Author: Timmie

(Originally posted on The Media Minx )

I’m sure that all of my readers out there are on the edge of their seats…because I have received comments saying you are on the edge of your seats in anticipation of my next Twilight entry.
Let’s focus on the first movie of the Saga, Twilight.

Now I’ve seen this movie before, but never in the theater. Now if you thought that Twilight was boring in the comfort of your own home…then you are absolutely correct, and that goes double for the in theater experience. It’s just like watching the movie in your living room except bigger and much much less comfortable. At least in your house you can squish down on your comfy couch with a beer, or for Twilight, let’s face it…a scotch (double). The extreme awkward sexual tension with a total lack of actual sex is merely close up with a wide angle lens, somehow making it EVEN MORE AWKWARD! It also makes the alleged love interest in the movie even less realistic.

The makeup job on Robert Pattinson (Edward) is nauseating at best. He looks like a combination clown/blind old lady. You would think they could at least blend in the makeup lines on his chin line.

Speaking of nauseating, does Edward actually like Bella? Every time he’s close to her it kind of looks like he’s about to throw up. Either that or he’s taking a massive number 2. I guess that’s his version of being really strongly attracted to someone. Someone find out what acting school he attended.

Kristen Stewart’s (Bella “oh I’m so clumsy and hideous act…why would anyone ever want to be with me” gets more obnoxious as my viewings of the film (I say laughably) increase.

I did notice one particular aspect of Bella’s personality that spoke much louder on the big screen: she’s a complete psycho! Her obsession over Edward in this film is not only gross and unhealthy, it’s a bad example to set for our nations tweens. Also…it’s really pathetic and unrealistic. There is no way a theoretically hot vampire is going to want some girl hanging all over him and saying she wants to be with him forever. No wonder Edward won’t turn her into a vampire in the end of the movie. I don’t think a human guy would want a chick like that hanging around for the rest of her life, let alone a smoldering 100 year old vampire.

Is there any saving grace in this movie? Well…not exactly a saving grace, but there is a beacon of light. It may be quite faint, but if you’re really looking for it…you may catch a glimmer of it. What is this beacon of light? CHARLIE, Bella’s dad. He is literally the only one invested in this movie. I have a theory that he’s actually a stand up comic and he’s using the Twilight movies to finely tune his skills. Any scene with Charlie in it is completely bearable. Unfortunately, Charlie is only in like four scenes so his screen time is rather limited.

I could go on, but if you’ve seen Twilight…I hope that I don’t have to.

Media Minx says: Screw Team Edward and Team Jacob! Go for TEAM CHARLIE!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of the Minx’s Twilight Experience Saga

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